To the Depths
by squidsplosion
Summary: Haru stared at the open expanse of water, being inexplicably drawn to it, yet unable to move. Rin stares at him, expression blank yet eyes filled with more emotion than Haru desired. He looks away, chest tightening, sickened by himself. He never wanted Rin's pity. He never wanted to make him cry. Suicidal thoughts, mild violence, and one sided RinHaru ft. Jealousy


_**A/N:** Check it out on my AO3! archiveofourown works/3883096_

* * *

Ever since _it_ happened, Haru found himself wishing he could reach into his chest and rip out everything. It hurt him. It angered him. It worried him. But most of all, it confused him.

Haru hated being confused.

He sat, self absorbed and incredibly interested in his drink. Across from him was Rin, laughing and laid-back as he was when they were children, slightly flushed as his new boyfriend, Sousuke Yamazaki, pressed against him.

He felt his insides twist as hands, hands that were not his own, brushed back fiery red locks and press a kiss to the Samezuka captain's forehead, causing the latter to blush and push him away playfully. Rin scolded the larger man, but his wide grin said anything but.

His mind continued to wander: Was his hair soft, like silk, or would it fall through his fingers like water? Was his forehead warm? Haru clenched his glass, wishing he could drown in the tiny cup.

Wishing that he was the one sitting next to Rin.

Looking up from his glass, he noticed droopy teal eyes returning his glance, crinkled at the corners, clearly saying _he's mine, waterboy_. Haru was the last person to resort to violence, but right now he _really_ wanted to punch the man in front of him... yet he does not.

He doesn't want to make Rin cry again.

As if in defiance of his thoughts, Sousuke plants a firm kiss on Rin's forehead, the redhead letting out a surprised moan, brief, but enough to make his face maroon as he pushed away his boyfriend while muttering curses. The laughter that follows is enough to hide Haru's estranged cry.

This must be how a beached dolphin feels, Haru thought numbly as he placed his glass on the table and excused himself, ignoring the _awww_ 's and goodbyes. Yamazaki was laughing at him with his eyes.

* * *

Haru lay staring at the ceiling. It was 11 p.m., and his thoughts were swirling endlessly around his mind.

The forefront of it all was regret- regret that he never confessed his feelings, regret he never even realized them himself. There were hints of anger towards Sousuke as well, but the little sane part of him left whispered _it would be the same with anyone else_ , and he decides not to argue. He glances outside and finds a beautiful, clear night. He vaguely wonders if Rin is with his boyfriend, probably out on a date... or something more.

Haru felt his heart begin to race at that mere thought, undesired emotions threatening to explode.

He felt his regret bubbling to the surface as tears, unsaid words piling upon his lips making them quiver. Haru never cried before, but there's a first for everything. He curled up in a ball, trying to hold together what was shattered the day he learned of Rin's new relationship. His heart raced uncomfortably in his chest, loud in the silence broken only by his sobs. His hands clawed at his arms to drown out the pain, he opened his mouth, but only tasted tears and heard the sound of a heartbroken wail. His nails were a mess, though, and he felt his pale skin slicing open like paper, crimson flowers bloomed on his bed. After a few minutes, he found silence greeting his ears and his arms burning. He glanced at his phone- 11:16- and rose from his bed unsteadily. He just needed something else to do, perhaps the convenience store was still open.

As he walked down the hall, he glanced at the mirror and found a puffy eyed, bloody armed stranger staring back at him. Maybe a bath would make him feel better, he thought as he traced his wounds, immune to the pain.

Haru stripped off his clothes, struggling with his shirt (but giving up only moments later- it was already stained, so why bother?) before jumping into the filled tub. The water gave his heart no solace and brought pain to where he tore his flesh. He held in a gasp as he quickly washed himself, wondering if the water was teaming up with Sousuke to spite him, before jumping out. He sighed in relief as the pain faded away in his arms, but his chest still felt tight. He was also hungry.

He pulled on a sweater in defiance to the current heatwave and grabs a quick snack, making toast since finding that the mere thought of mackerel made his stomach queasy. He winced as the fabric of his sweater rubbed against his wounds, but determined that it was better than his mood earlier. He glanced out the window, finding a clear night sky, and decided a jog would be more productive than going to the store.

Maybe he would pass out on the way. It would be a nice change from his sleepless nights.

It was 11:43, and he was regretting his current choice of fashion. Sweat glistened on his forehead, and poured into his eyes, the sting of it reminding of his broken sobs earlier. Instead of pausing to catch his breath, he ran faster, hoping thoughts of Rin would leave him be. He found no peace, and eventually found the sting of sweat had devolved into the prickling of tears. His legs gave underneath and he felt concrete scrape his bare knees, silent sobs wracking his body. His heart pounded in his ears and his face became hotter than the night.

Was he dying? Was this the end? In his tears, he found a smile- it would be better than being torn in two right now. After collecting as many pieces of himself as he could, he resumed his quick pace. Running from the future and regretting the past.

* * *

It was 12:04, and he was in an unfamiliar part of town. He doubted he was even in Iwatobi anymore, but still he ran. His legs were jelly now, and he could hardly see a thing. His sweater was as drenched as if he had jumped into water, and blood ran down his knee. He was tired, but too afraid to stop.

A few minutes later, he was in the middle of the street, lying down and unable to catch his breath. He was confused and lost, but no longer angry. His fingers traced hidden patterns on the road, heart throbbing and head spinning, but now from exhaustion instead of jealousy. He closes his eyes and he can see maroon hair waving in the wind, framing ruby eyes and a perfect smile. Haru sighs softly to himself, wondering how those lips feel, what they would say, if he touched them.

He glances up at the sky and found it was now cloudy, the moon nothing more than a blotted ray of light, reflected across the calm ocean. The air felt heavy and moist around him. He wondered if it was going to rain and decided to go home, rising up on shaky hands and legs that threatened to give. When he rose his head, he found two bright lights blinding him and the sound of a horn assaulting his ears.

His body was sent flying into the concrete he once struggled to rise from and he hears screaming, vaguely acknowledging it as his own. Crimson flowers bloomed underneath him, the color of Rin, and he reaches out a hand to escape the expanding field, smearing it across the rough gray, mildly regretful he had to mar such a lovely color. As his vision swam, he tried to rise once more, arms wobbling, before collapsing onto the floor again. His legs failed him, not from exhaustion, and for the second time in his life, Haru knew fear. He opened his mouth and cried for help, a soundless plea, before he was thrown into a moonless night against his will.

* * *

 _ **A/N** : I tried to put short sentences to frame Haru's speech pattern. In the anime, he uses a lot of symbolism to describe water, which is important to him, so in here I make him use symbolism with things that remind him with Rin._  
 _If any of that is annoying, please speak up so I can fix it._  
 _This chapter will most likely be changed several times since I have not planned this story at all and have no idea where its going, except for eventual RinHaru. One-sided from pity or consensual for both parties is still in the air._

 _Any kind of criticism, praise, or hate is very much welcome._


End file.
